Life here has taken an unexpected turn, or two, or twenty. 9 months after she came home from her last residential placement, Felicia is once again on her way to another. We fought a good fight, we held out until the bitter end… but your child running away to the home of a child molester, who took FOREVER bringing her home (they had left before I was told where she was, or I would have stormed in his house and probably be writing this post wearing orange.), then not 15 minutes after arriving home trying to run away again and climbing out your 2nd story window to run away when your husband blocked the door… then regretting it as she screamed for you, dangling from the windowsill… it’s a bit of a wakeup call. Especially since she had been home less than 72 hours, after her last juvenile stay for her last running incident.
This week we had a court hearing about what to do with her, and after everyone else had talked in court about facility options and her intense need for hospitalization, Felicia’s lawyer just HAD to turn to me and ask if I was willing to take her home. Everything in me wanted to say yes – to take her home and tuck her in and keep her safe and warm and make it all okay… but she is not okay right now, and nothing I can do can address the giant shattered place in her heart. I didn’t break it – it was broken long before I got her. It is smaller than when I got her, some healing DID happen… but it’s too broken for her to be safe in anywhere that isn’t locked to keep her in. So I did the right thing… I told the judge that I wanted to take her home, but she just wasn’t safe.
She didn’t hug me after court. She didn’t call me on the day she gets phone calls. Others have gotten letters from her but I have not.
I know I did the right thing, I KNOW it deep down inside… but this hurts to a level I can’t even begin to explain. Love is supposed to be enough, it’s supposed to lead to sunshine and rainbows and happy endings… and I have faith that it will… but sometimes in the meantime there are storms that rage, and waves that crash, and winds that seem to rock your very foundation. Right now I’m in the midst of that storm… but I’m holding on, knowing that one day these broken pieces of our lives will be remade into something beautiful.