It feels like it’s been millions of years since I last posted on here. Justifiably so… it’s been 5 months. So much has happened within that time. I was moved to a new supervisor at work, and life began to unravel. I had to leave work 45 minutes early for an emergency, and forgot to tell my supervisor until the next morning. I was formally reprimanded… which caused me to lose a lot of the flexibility I had at work that allowed me to work in spite of the intense needs of my children. (Bad staff don’t get flexibility.) When summer began, both of my girls were kicked out of their summer camps within the first week. Felicity made it 3 days and was kicked out, Fergie made it 5. It became very clear that if I didn’t leave my job, I would be fired. 5 years of my life were given to that job, and portions of my soul that I’m not sure will ever recover. I made a lot of sacrifices, as did my husband and children, to meet the needs of that job…
I’m pretty bitter.
I put in my resignation… planned jobs to work at on the side that would allow me to be home more… found new camps for the kids… and then Felicity was kicked out of her camp the last day of my job.
I became a full-time stay at home mom to an 11 year old who requires constant supervision (think the level of supervision your 2 year old needs.) To say the transition was rough is a pretty severe understatement. I planned to spend the first week scrubbing my house until it sparkled and catch up on all the cleaning and laundry that we neglected in the 3 months my husband had been working extra shifts at work to cover for employees that quit… instead my house looks like a train wreck. Nothing is clean. In fact, I’m pretty sure the kitchen is actually worse than it started. I’m overwhelmed and depressed. Thank God school starts in a few days. I can make it. Fergie however… Fergie is a hot mess – she is anxious about school starting, and that is making her a boiling mess of emotions that is becoming progressively more dangerous. Today I talked to Felicity about how to get help if Fergie attacks me, not to fight for me (which is absolutely what she would do) but to get the hell out, find another adult, and get help. This probably did not help Felicity’s anxiety level.
Felicity, however, has completely blossomed with a stay-at-home mom! She has grown SO much in this time! We have gone 5 weeks without her running away at all, and only 1 aggression incident that I can recall in that time! She really needed a stay-at-home mom, and the progress she has made is worth all the stress and struggle. I can’t say enough how great the change in her has become.
And me? I’ve recognized that I react to change and anxiety by trying to take control… which is great… but so do my kids. You can imagine the hot mess that makes us. I’m going to make it through the few days until school gets started… then get my house in order (literally and metaphorically) while the kids are in school (see me there, taking control?), so I can let go a whole lot more in the evenings and truly enjoy my kids… and spend the days, once the house is clean enough I can find my stuff when I need it, filling my own well with God, art, friends, love, laughter, and loads and loads of sex (our bedroom does not have a door. You have no idea how long this summer has been! No wonder I’m a hot mess and depressed, huh?) … so I’m not trying to give the girls water from a well that is dry as a bone.